Fighting Hate… with Hate?

I always love going through my inbox. And on this enchanting Friday evening, I came across an email that I’ll paraphrase below:
 

Dear Syafiq,

I have a question. I’m only in the 7th grade, but there’s a kid in my class that says he hates gay people – and I don’t know what to do to make him stop. I hate him because my cousin is gay, and my cousin is the best guy in the entire world. I hate how judgmental other people are, so how can I make him stop?

I don’t know much, but I do know this: Hating someone because they hate someone – or something – doesn’t tend to help. Fighting hate with hate is like f*****g for virginity. Or trying to put out a fire with gasoline. It’s counterproductive.

As it turns out, we can’t change other people (though it doesn’t stop most of us from trying). The good news is, we can change ourselves. Changing ourselves is a very powerful thing, as we’re all deeply connected in this web of life. Instead of making his hate your own, make the choice to hold love in your heart – and lead a life that inspires others by example.

Express compassion towards this hateful young man, as he must be in a dark and terrifying place to hold such a toxic perspective of the world. Instead of fighting his hate with more hate, see the spirit underneath the negativity and love him for who he really is: Your brother on this journey of life.

The F-word: Are Closeted Gay Guys Our Biggest Haters?

The other day, one of my best friends was on a first date. After dinner, they said goodnight to each other, kissed, and started to part ways. In that moment, from across the lobby, a group of guys took notice. One of the men – speech slurred with alcohol – yelled out, “I knew you were f*****s.” Choice words were exchanged, and a non-violent but intense confrontation ensued.
My friend was shocked at being called a f****t – and I immediately thought back to my own surprise when a New York City worker used those words against Mitch and I last year.
Even further back, I remember a young man in my middle school. He was ruthless and unrelenting in his verbal, homophobic attacks against me, and I remember it all being a living hell. When I graduated middle school, he somehow got his hands on my yearbook. On the very first page, he wrote, “Sorry that I called you gay. You seem pretty cool.” It was something of an apology – but being in the closet, I immediately ripped his words out of the page.
It wasn’t until fairly recently that I heard he had come out of the closet. It’s like that football player in Glee that is constantly picking on Kurt, but that is secretly gay himself. Only now does it all make sense. My middle school tormentor hated me for being gay because he hated himself for being gay. I embodied the very thing about which he was so uncomfortable – and moreover, singling me out for being gay took any attention or questioning away from him. In some twisted way, it was how he was trying to cope.
We all have super busy lives, and are generally uninterested in the personal lives of strangers. Most people can’t be bothered. For someone to feel the need to yell “f****t” at another human being, it shows a level of personal investment. Why do they care so much? Often times, I think it says a lot about their own internal struggle and possible self-hatred.
When I hear people use that f-word against another person, I don’t let it make me angry. Instead, I feel compassion. It breaks my heart, and I feel for the loveless space in which they dwell.
What do you think? Are closeted gay guys the most homophobic? Can you related to my experience?

You’re Sexier Than You Think.

Few things are sexier than a Monday morning, but you are definitely one of them.
A special thank you to blog buddy Steven in Naples, FL for sharing some of these amazing cartoons with me. I just love them!
I’d like to add a few of my own “sexier than” statements:

1.Maybe a big heart is a million times sexier than a big wang.

2.Maybe giving your money to charity is sexier than giving it to the cosmetic surgeon.

3.Maybe a smile can be sexier than… well, pretty much anything.

Write your own “sexier than” statement in the comments below

Spring It On!

With the lengthening days, increasingly intense sunlight and warming temperatures, there is no question that Spring is almost here. Everything about this season stirs my soul – and the energy is palpable as the frozen world awakens back to life.

To celebrate the impending arrival of Spring (which happens around dinner time on Sunday), I spent my early afternoon in my neighborhood. At first, second or third glance, you might think you were in a developing third world country. But by fourth glance, you’ll certainly let go of your inhibitions and drown yourself in the goodness that can only be found in fresh churros. While a churro (pictured above) sounds like a slang word for an extraordinarily wide penis, it’s actually a deep fried tube of dough filled with your choice of strawberry jam, chocolate sauce or dulce de leche. A calorie bomb for sure, don’t tell friends that I indulged. 
There’s something very interesting about Spring. The days couldn’t get longer if they never got shorter, the sunlight couldn’t become more intense if it didn’t ever get less intense, and the temperatures couldn’t get warmer if they never got cooler. While I naturally gravitate toward Spring, the season couldn’t be possible without Autumn. Spring and Autumn are really flip sides of the same coin, each making the other possible. There’s something very yin and yang about it; it’s all very zen.
Thank you Autumn, for making Spring possible. As this too shall pass, and when the weather cools once again, I’ll do my best to remember that you are friend and not foe.

Gay Student Sues My Alma Mater, Seton Hall University

Jesse Cruz, a gay junior attending Seton Hall University, is suing the Catholic school because they relocated him to a different dorm after his roommate complained. Cruz contends that they moved him because he’s gay. The university claims they’ve done nothing wrong.
Excuse me while I have flashbacks.
For what it’s worth, Seton Hall University is an alma mater. When he attended SHU, a friend of him sued the university when they refused to recognize our gay-straight alliance (despite having a non-discrimination policy that included sexual orientation and taking federal funding). Our gay-straight alliance was forced to meet in private while enacting desperately needed programing and providing support for LGBT students.
While helping to lead the banned gay-straight alliance, he continued to work for the university as a resident assistant in one of the school’s dorms. At one point, the school threatened to fire him for his involvement with the banned gay-straight alliance, and i told him that he needed to “pick between his personal beliefs and employment by the school.” In fact, a gay administrator told me those very words. He threatened to sue, and went to the press. The school back-peddled, and then backed down – and claimed the whole thing never happened. The thing is, it had happened.
he kept his job as a resident assistant, and continued to advocate for LGBT students through the gay-straight alliance.
At a different point in time, in honor of national coming out day, members of the banned gay-straight alliance (including myself) wrote pro-equality messages on the sidewalks – including quotes by MLK. Seton Hall University sent out a team of maintenance workers to wash away the words with power washers and hoses. The school later claimed that the sidewalk washing was done “by accident.”
I can’t help but remember the circumstances of my situation – and the school’s legacy of deception – when I read about Cruz’s predicament. Indeed, the school does have a policy that allows students to change rooms on “room change day” – but it is the policy to change the student that wishes to me moved, and not the roommate (which is exactly what happened to Cruz). In my three years as a resident assistant, we never moved the roommate, but always the person filing the complaint. So it does appear that Cruz received unfair treatment.
A lawyer for SHU claims that “the university has never taken any action against Mr. Cruz based on his sexual preference.” Sexual preference? Kinda says it all, in my humble opinion.
But I guess we’ll have to wait and see how it all plays out in court.

What Do You Love the Most About the Universe Today?

The universe is full of magical little treats.
Today, I watched Fighter and experienced one such magical little treat in the form of a rugged, dreamy, shirtless (and possibly gay?) Channing Tatum. I wasn’t much for the fight scenes, though I found myself imaging them slowed down to 1/4 their speed – and realized that they looked a lot less violent and a lot more like foreplay. Such imagery was quite enjoyable.
In a world that probably doesn’t need any more judgments, let’s humor ourselves and make some. Of everything that this universe is offering you today, what do you love the absolute most? For me, it’s Channing Tatum. But what’s it for you? Banana cream pudding? Those penis lines on the lower abs? Rubbing your dog’s belly? Let me know in the comments below.

Something You’ll Never Hear Me Say.

With more than a million words in the English language, the number of ways we can express ourselves is limitless. And so with an infinite combination of words and expressions, there’s one thing you’ll never hear me say: “Shame on you.”
The other day, I was responding to an email that I received from a friend. The note came from an obese nurse who felt his extra weight and current condition was “a shame.” He wanted to change his life. It seems to me that shame isn’t an effective, powerful or sustainable motivator of change. So rather than feel shame, I reminded the nurse that his desire to transform his life was an inspiration to all of us.
Our emotions have different levels of energy. Of them, shame is the absolute lowest (followed by guilt, apathy and then grief). Shame is destructive and causes us to retreat within, and to move away from life. Rather than lift up, it pulls down. Through shame, we shrink and try to disappear.
To say “shame on you” to another human being is spewing toxicity – and truth be told, it can be deadly (as shame is sometimes expressed through suicide). It’s like firing an emotional gun at another human, and there is no place for that in my world.
I say a lot of things. And sometimes the things I say I are pretty unenlightened and unintelligent. But of all the things that I ever say, I can promise that none of them will every be: “Shame on you.”
There’s enough shame in the world. Instead, I focus my efforts on creating love.