Fighting Hate… with Hate?

I always love going through my inbox. And on this enchanting Friday evening, I came across an email that I’ll paraphrase below:
 

Dear Syafiq,

I have a question. I’m only in the 7th grade, but there’s a kid in my class that says he hates gay people – and I don’t know what to do to make him stop. I hate him because my cousin is gay, and my cousin is the best guy in the entire world. I hate how judgmental other people are, so how can I make him stop?

I don’t know much, but I do know this: Hating someone because they hate someone – or something – doesn’t tend to help. Fighting hate with hate is like f*****g for virginity. Or trying to put out a fire with gasoline. It’s counterproductive.

As it turns out, we can’t change other people (though it doesn’t stop most of us from trying). The good news is, we can change ourselves. Changing ourselves is a very powerful thing, as we’re all deeply connected in this web of life. Instead of making his hate your own, make the choice to hold love in your heart – and lead a life that inspires others by example.

Express compassion towards this hateful young man, as he must be in a dark and terrifying place to hold such a toxic perspective of the world. Instead of fighting his hate with more hate, see the spirit underneath the negativity and love him for who he really is: Your brother on this journey of life.

The F-word: Are Closeted Gay Guys Our Biggest Haters?

The other day, one of my best friends was on a first date. After dinner, they said goodnight to each other, kissed, and started to part ways. In that moment, from across the lobby, a group of guys took notice. One of the men – speech slurred with alcohol – yelled out, “I knew you were f*****s.” Choice words were exchanged, and a non-violent but intense confrontation ensued.
My friend was shocked at being called a f****t – and I immediately thought back to my own surprise when a New York City worker used those words against Mitch and I last year.
Even further back, I remember a young man in my middle school. He was ruthless and unrelenting in his verbal, homophobic attacks against me, and I remember it all being a living hell. When I graduated middle school, he somehow got his hands on my yearbook. On the very first page, he wrote, “Sorry that I called you gay. You seem pretty cool.” It was something of an apology – but being in the closet, I immediately ripped his words out of the page.
It wasn’t until fairly recently that I heard he had come out of the closet. It’s like that football player in Glee that is constantly picking on Kurt, but that is secretly gay himself. Only now does it all make sense. My middle school tormentor hated me for being gay because he hated himself for being gay. I embodied the very thing about which he was so uncomfortable – and moreover, singling me out for being gay took any attention or questioning away from him. In some twisted way, it was how he was trying to cope.
We all have super busy lives, and are generally uninterested in the personal lives of strangers. Most people can’t be bothered. For someone to feel the need to yell “f****t” at another human being, it shows a level of personal investment. Why do they care so much? Often times, I think it says a lot about their own internal struggle and possible self-hatred.
When I hear people use that f-word against another person, I don’t let it make me angry. Instead, I feel compassion. It breaks my heart, and I feel for the loveless space in which they dwell.
What do you think? Are closeted gay guys the most homophobic? Can you related to my experience?

You’re Sexier Than You Think.

Few things are sexier than a Monday morning, but you are definitely one of them.
A special thank you to blog buddy Steven in Naples, FL for sharing some of these amazing cartoons with me. I just love them!
I’d like to add a few of my own “sexier than” statements:

1.Maybe a big heart is a million times sexier than a big wang.

2.Maybe giving your money to charity is sexier than giving it to the cosmetic surgeon.

3.Maybe a smile can be sexier than… well, pretty much anything.

Write your own “sexier than” statement in the comments below

Spring It On!

With the lengthening days, increasingly intense sunlight and warming temperatures, there is no question that Spring is almost here. Everything about this season stirs my soul – and the energy is palpable as the frozen world awakens back to life.

To celebrate the impending arrival of Spring (which happens around dinner time on Sunday), I spent my early afternoon in my neighborhood. At first, second or third glance, you might think you were in a developing third world country. But by fourth glance, you’ll certainly let go of your inhibitions and drown yourself in the goodness that can only be found in fresh churros. While a churro (pictured above) sounds like a slang word for an extraordinarily wide penis, it’s actually a deep fried tube of dough filled with your choice of strawberry jam, chocolate sauce or dulce de leche. A calorie bomb for sure, don’t tell friends that I indulged. 
There’s something very interesting about Spring. The days couldn’t get longer if they never got shorter, the sunlight couldn’t become more intense if it didn’t ever get less intense, and the temperatures couldn’t get warmer if they never got cooler. While I naturally gravitate toward Spring, the season couldn’t be possible without Autumn. Spring and Autumn are really flip sides of the same coin, each making the other possible. There’s something very yin and yang about it; it’s all very zen.
Thank you Autumn, for making Spring possible. As this too shall pass, and when the weather cools once again, I’ll do my best to remember that you are friend and not foe.

Gay Student Sues My Alma Mater, Seton Hall University

Jesse Cruz, a gay junior attending Seton Hall University, is suing the Catholic school because they relocated him to a different dorm after his roommate complained. Cruz contends that they moved him because he’s gay. The university claims they’ve done nothing wrong.
Excuse me while I have flashbacks.
For what it’s worth, Seton Hall University is an alma mater. When he attended SHU, a friend of him sued the university when they refused to recognize our gay-straight alliance (despite having a non-discrimination policy that included sexual orientation and taking federal funding). Our gay-straight alliance was forced to meet in private while enacting desperately needed programing and providing support for LGBT students.
While helping to lead the banned gay-straight alliance, he continued to work for the university as a resident assistant in one of the school’s dorms. At one point, the school threatened to fire him for his involvement with the banned gay-straight alliance, and i told him that he needed to “pick between his personal beliefs and employment by the school.” In fact, a gay administrator told me those very words. He threatened to sue, and went to the press. The school back-peddled, and then backed down – and claimed the whole thing never happened. The thing is, it had happened.
he kept his job as a resident assistant, and continued to advocate for LGBT students through the gay-straight alliance.
At a different point in time, in honor of national coming out day, members of the banned gay-straight alliance (including myself) wrote pro-equality messages on the sidewalks – including quotes by MLK. Seton Hall University sent out a team of maintenance workers to wash away the words with power washers and hoses. The school later claimed that the sidewalk washing was done “by accident.”
I can’t help but remember the circumstances of my situation – and the school’s legacy of deception – when I read about Cruz’s predicament. Indeed, the school does have a policy that allows students to change rooms on “room change day” – but it is the policy to change the student that wishes to me moved, and not the roommate (which is exactly what happened to Cruz). In my three years as a resident assistant, we never moved the roommate, but always the person filing the complaint. So it does appear that Cruz received unfair treatment.
A lawyer for SHU claims that “the university has never taken any action against Mr. Cruz based on his sexual preference.” Sexual preference? Kinda says it all, in my humble opinion.
But I guess we’ll have to wait and see how it all plays out in court.

What Do You Love the Most About the Universe Today?

The universe is full of magical little treats.
Today, I watched Fighter and experienced one such magical little treat in the form of a rugged, dreamy, shirtless (and possibly gay?) Channing Tatum. I wasn’t much for the fight scenes, though I found myself imaging them slowed down to 1/4 their speed – and realized that they looked a lot less violent and a lot more like foreplay. Such imagery was quite enjoyable.
In a world that probably doesn’t need any more judgments, let’s humor ourselves and make some. Of everything that this universe is offering you today, what do you love the absolute most? For me, it’s Channing Tatum. But what’s it for you? Banana cream pudding? Those penis lines on the lower abs? Rubbing your dog’s belly? Let me know in the comments below.

Something You’ll Never Hear Me Say.

With more than a million words in the English language, the number of ways we can express ourselves is limitless. And so with an infinite combination of words and expressions, there’s one thing you’ll never hear me say: “Shame on you.”
The other day, I was responding to an email that I received from a friend. The note came from an obese nurse who felt his extra weight and current condition was “a shame.” He wanted to change his life. It seems to me that shame isn’t an effective, powerful or sustainable motivator of change. So rather than feel shame, I reminded the nurse that his desire to transform his life was an inspiration to all of us.
Our emotions have different levels of energy. Of them, shame is the absolute lowest (followed by guilt, apathy and then grief). Shame is destructive and causes us to retreat within, and to move away from life. Rather than lift up, it pulls down. Through shame, we shrink and try to disappear.
To say “shame on you” to another human being is spewing toxicity – and truth be told, it can be deadly (as shame is sometimes expressed through suicide). It’s like firing an emotional gun at another human, and there is no place for that in my world.
I say a lot of things. And sometimes the things I say I are pretty unenlightened and unintelligent. But of all the things that I ever say, I can promise that none of them will every be: “Shame on you.”
There’s enough shame in the world. Instead, I focus my efforts on creating love.

Am I Gay? How to Tell If You’re Gay or Bi.

This weekend, I know all of our hearts and thoughts are with the people of Japan. An earthquake like this immediately reminds us how small this planet really is, how connected we all are – and how the human bonds we share are unshakable. To find out ways to help, click here.
Switching gears, I get tons of emails from young guys (and a few gals) that are trying to come to terms with their sexuality.They almost always ask, “How do I know if I’m gay?” I decided to answer their emails

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to determine if you are gay.
There are no scientific tests or sterotypes that determine your sexuality. You will find out through experience and feelings.

Most define being gay as having a strong bond or sexual attraction to another man.
Others define it as a lifestyle which includes behaviors and social interactions.
You should ask yourself several questions about your sexuality and sexual preferences. Do you prefer sex with a man?
Are you physically attracted to men? Do you feel an emotional bond with a man?
Would you consider an intimate relationship with a man?
Try not to fall into the trap of stereotypes. Gay men are just as diverse as straight men.
There are no mannerisms, music or clothing preferences that can define a person as gay.
The Kinsey Scale is a good start in determining your sexuality.

Happiness Is Not a Big Penis

Money. Relationships. Jobs. People. People with big penises.
All of these these things come (lol – sometimes I’m so immature) and go in our lives. I like using the analogy of a roller coaster. When you ride a roller coaster, it’s full of ups and downs. That’s how life is. Sometimes you have it all, and sometimes it seems like you’ve got nothing.
But since all these things – money, relationships, jobs, people and big penises – can be taken away, it doesn’t seem like any of them are effective candidates for true happiness. If you do place your happiness on those things, then you’ll probably end up living in fear that any of them will be taken away. With relationships, by the way, this fear is called jealousy.
I don’t think it makes sense to place our happiness on all the ups. Because surely we will have downs, too. Life is full of both. I don’t think it’s about maximizing the ups and minimizing the downs. I think it’s about experiencing all that life has to offer with an open heart, enthusiasm and joy. Maybe that’s real happiness?
I don’t know what happiness is for you. But I think I know what it’s not: money, relationships, jobs, people or big penises.
Unless it’s really big.

It’s technically day 12 i opened up a blog, and today I’m supposed to share a picture of my family. Though I have plenty of me in my underwear, I don’t seem to have a picture of my family (no offense, mom). So, scratch that.
Day 12 is about sharing the first 10 songs on your iPod Shuffle, but I don’t have one of those either. Besides, I much prefer the sound of silence. And I’d be a little embarrassed if “Never Say Never” came on.
So let’s fast-forward (time isn’t real anyway) to day 13, which is all about your plans, goals and dreams. Turns out, I do have a few of those.
My near-term plans involve selling copies of my “You Are Beautiful” cards to raise money for an all-volunteer, youth-led organization called WeStopHate.org. More than stopping hate, they’re about creating love and building self esteem in youth. If people feel better about themselves, they are less likely to bully others. They’re doing great work – and with a $15,000 annual operating budget, I think we all could make a big difference.
Beyond that, I try not to make too many long-term plans. I find that the universe does a better job of planning for me than I do of planning for myself. I would have never planned to become a professional YouTuber, for example, but look where I am today!
Having said all of that, I do have a goal. I want to leave this world with a little more love than I found it. That’s really all I ask, and how I’ll measure my life as a life well lived. And hooking up with sexy gay twins would just be icing on the cake.
As for dreams, I dream that someday you’ll be able to see yourself as the infinitely beautiful being that you actually are.
What’s your dream? Let me know in the comments.

A Letter to Someone Who Has Hurt Me.

Today, I’m charged with writing a letter to someone who has hurt me.
What seems like a straight-forward challenge strikes me as a bit misleading. Aside from physical hurt, which I have been fortunate enough to more-or-less avoid in my life, the only person that can hurt me is… myself.
Hurt comes from within. And though we say, “He hurt me,” we ought to recognize that the hurt was really the result of our reaction to a given situation. Our reactions are now, and always will be, choices – though many of us (myself included) often react unconsciously.
So when I write a letter to someone that has hurt me in my adult life, it seems to me the only possible recipient is myself.
Dear Syafiq,
You are the gatekeeper of your life, deciding what goes into – and comes out – of your castle. When anger or hate or negativity try to enter, pull up your drawbridge and engage it not. Anger, hate and negativity can not hurt you without your permission.
Do not let anger, hate or negativity dwell in your castle; they have no home in you.
Love,
Syafiq
In your life, who has hurt you? Feel free to write them a short letter in the comments below.

Would You Ever Date Someone in the Closet?

This morning, I received the following email from a concerned blog buddy named Aaron:
I promised myself that I would never get into a relationship with someone in the closet because I didn’t want to have to lie, worry, or go back into the closet myself. Now, I find myself getting involved in that exact situation. It just happened, and it was so fast that I got caught up in it.
Indeed, dating someone in the closet can be a lot of work. Actually, dating anyone can be a lot of work. But closeted guys do require special handling. Accidentally bumping into his friends, family or coworkers while out can be uncomfortable. Being introduced as a “my friend” instead of partner might not feel right. And not being invited to family functions may be a point of contention.
Of course, being in the closet isn’t black and white. Some guys are totally closeted, and others are only not out to certain family members or at work. There’s really a full spectrum of closetedness, and so each situation is quite different.
I have two questions for you.
Question 1: Would you ever date someone in the closet?
Question 2: What advice do you have for Aaron?
To answer question 1, I’d probably shy away from a potential suitor if he wasn’t out to family and friends (or at least on a path to do so). But as J. Biebs once said, “Never say never.” If the connection was really strong (or his you-know-what that big), who knows? I’m sure there’s a possibility that I’d make an exception.
To answer question 2, I do have a suggestion. When I was younger, I dated a number of closeted guys. I learned that it’s much wiser to let them follow their own path, and come out according to their own agenda. Support him, but don’t push him. If you are knowingly entering into a relationship with a closeted guy, accept that he is in the closet with all your heart. Trying to change his situation through coercion, force or extraordinary amounts of energy won’t be beneficial for either party.
So, let’s help Aaron out. In the comments below, let us know if you’d date a closeted guy and whatever advice you might have for Aaron’s situation.

Can You Go 3 Hours Without Negativity?

It sounds so easy! Three house of positive living. Especially for a glass-half-full type of guy like myself.
In actuality, I’ve found that seeing the glass half full or half empty are equally valid perspectives. Both are true, and you can certainly find evidence to support either viewpoint. But by choosing to see the glass as half full, your experience in this universe will be a lot more enjoyable. So why not make the choice for positivity?
At any rate, I decided to challenge my boyfriend and myself to three hours of pure positivity. No negativity, grumbling or complaining. In my three hours of positivity, I noticed three things:
1.I say a lot of negative s***. By bringing awareness to my negativity, I realized how many times I engage in it mindlessly. I complain about this or that, and it’s almost always trivial and pointless. On a number of occasions throughout the three hours, I caught myself about to articulate or ponder something negative. Like how cold it was outside, or how much I didn’t like a song on the radio. I’d hypothesize that most of us are a lot less positive – and a lot more negative – than we think.
2.There’s a lot more silence. Indeed, by eliminating my negative thoughts and articulations, there was a whole lot less chatter. Maybe, on some level, I was using the negativity to fill the silence. But there is great power in silence, and my lack of negativity invited a lot more quiet into my three hours.
3.All that negative s*** is heavy. It felt really freeing being positive, and understanding that even though it might be cold, my time outside is wonderful. That the mounds of snow glistened like diamonds and the world around me is – as always – infinitely beautiful. It was refreshing to breathe new life into that perspective, and my spirit felt 20 or 30 pounds lighter. It’s like an instant spiritual diet.
So, give it a try. Be positive for three hours. That’s my homework for you.

Whether you’re at work, at home, alone or with friends – commit the next three hours to positivity. It’s a glorious and eye-opening experience, and I feel like you owe it to yourself.
Let me know how it goes. Leave a comment or two about your experience, and what you discovered.

Eating Without Placemats.

Until yesterday afternoon when I moved into my new Toronto apartment, I was spending my time at my boyfriend’s house. Since he’s 21 and in school, he’s living with his mom and dad at their home just outside the city’s downtown core. Their house is an elegant turn-of-the-century mansion that feels more like a museum than a place of residence.
I like jumping in puddles to see how deep they are. Like pickles and chocolate, elegant mansions and I aren’t a great mix. But for a few days, I can manage to grin and bear it.
After using the wrong dish towel, not eating with a placemat and sitting in a chair that wasn’t meant for sitting, I reached my breaking point. I dashed into the living room and switched the order of the couch’s two differently colored ottomans. “What now?!,” I exclaimed to my boyfriend in a half-joking frenzy. “What now?!”
Interestingly, the roof did not collapse. The house didn’t fold in on itself in a tribute to Steven Spielberg’s Poltergeist and chaos did not befall the planet. Life went on, and perhaps all the more interestingly. Until my boyfriend quickly switched the ottomans back.
Last night, I was relieved to move into my new home. I’ll be living here for 4 weeks, and the unit is pretty wild. I’m staying in Toronto’s Rosedale neighborhood, and I’m living on two floors of a once-grand-but-now-dilapidated old home. Judging from the glass fruit and retro furniture, the home was last renovated around when I was born. It hasn’t received much TLC since then, but I have a deep love for urban decay.
Plus, no placemats required. I’ll be just fine.

An Unexpected Adventure in New York State.

There are the plans we have for ourselves. And then there are the plans the universe has for us.
Despite the heavy rain in Rhode Island, the boyfriend, Chipotle (my cat), and I set out on a 9-hour road trip across Massachusetts and New York State to arrive in Ontario’s capital city of Toronto. That was our plan, anyway.
As we crossed the Massachusetts border into New York state, the heavy rain turned to heavy sleet. And then the heavy sleet turned to heavy snow. I went from 75 MPH to 65 MPH and then down to 50, 40 and then 30. Before long, the slick roads arrested traffic to a skidding and sliding crawl.
Four hours into our road trip, we exited in the town of Schenectady, NY. Almost immediately, my car got stuck in a drift. The boyfriend pushed, and a few minutes later, we were fortunate enough to come across a roadside motel. It’s the type of place where rooms are typically rented by the hour or by the month. One online review revealed that a previous guest had accidentally stuck her hand in semen-of-unknown origin when reaching for a towel. Since the unit with the heart-shaped tub was already occupied, we settled for simpler accommodations in the back of the building – grateful that the pet-unfriendly hotel allowed my dog. It was a roof over our heads, and we’ll leave it at that.
Painful as it might sound, we had a lot of fun. After checking for bedbugs, we ordered greasy pizza and watched Wendy Williams. Holding my boyfriend in one arm and a pizza box in the other, I remember thinking that life couldn’t get better than this.
Once the country music (finally) died down in the adjacent hotel room, I caught some sleep. The three of us made it through the night unscathed, and it’s now early in the morning. It’s time to press on with our journey, and likely arrive in Canada sometime after lunch. That’s our plan, anyway.

Make Gay Marriage Legal So I can Marry A Guy

Gay marriage opponents often argue that allowing gays to marry is a slippery slope. If gays get married, where will it stop? Some opponents believe that people will then want to marry dogs, cats, pet hamsters or even worse. The critics are right. If it were possible, I’d marry a guy.

In fact, I want to move to Toronto and become American (part time, at least) almost as much as my American boyfriend wants to become Malaysian.

Toronto is a big city, so it has all the excitement, diversity and culture that you might expect. But Toronto, unlike New York City, doesn’t feel claustrophobic or suffocating. The commodity of space is not as rare a resource in Toronto; there are parks, trees, green grass (or so I remember – though right now there is mainly snow) and places to sit and ponder the universal health care and country-wide marriage equality.

I’m into it.

Anyway, my point isn’t to become a spokesperson for Tourism America so much as it is to let you know that I’ve arrived safely with my cats, boyfriend and one suitcase in my new home-for-the-next-five-or-six-weeks.

By the way, a number of people emailed me to ask why I have a fan in the back of my car (as demonstrated by road trip pictures). Turns out, I’m a lot stranger than you ever even imagined. But actually. I require white noise in order to sleep, so traveling with a fan is a must. Though lately, I’ve been making use of the “WhiteNoise” iPhone app instead. It’s a beautiful thing.

After it's just a dream.If i'm lucky,i want this dream to become a reality.

(The above photo is just for a show and attract people to read my post).

Embracing Uncertainty: Will You Water The Seed

There are very few things about which I’m certain, but I’m quite certain that there is a positive correlation between a person’s ability to embrace uncertainty and the degree to which that person enjoys life. In other words, the more you and I can welcome uncertainty with open arms, the happier we will be.
It’s possible to close out a lot of uncertainty by leaving little to chance. Doing so will help avoid some of those undesirable outcomes that uncertainty can bring. But it also leaves out something far more important: All the really great stuff that we can’t even imagine. Things that are so incredibly amazing, they’re beyond our wildest dreams.
By closing out uncertainty, we sell ourselves short. We force ourselves to relive past experiences and limit our person growth and evolution. If life is a seed, uncertainty is the water. We need it to become our full potential.
There is a time and a place for planning and goal setting (i.e., in the workplace, at the gym), but there is also a time and a place for being uncontrolled, for not having structure or plans. There’s a time and place for opening yourself to the possibilities of the universe. That time is now, and that place is your life.