With more than a million words in the English language, the number of ways we can express ourselves is limitless. And so with an infinite combination of words and expressions, there’s one thing you’ll never hear me say: “Shame on you.”
The other day, I was responding to an email that I received from a friend. The note came from an obese nurse who felt his extra weight and current condition was “a shame.” He wanted to change his life. It seems to me that shame isn’t an effective, powerful or sustainable motivator of change. So rather than feel shame, I reminded the nurse that his desire to transform his life was an inspiration to all of us.
Our emotions have different levels of energy. Of them, shame is the absolute lowest (followed by guilt, apathy and then grief). Shame is destructive and causes us to retreat within, and to move away from life. Rather than lift up, it pulls down. Through shame, we shrink and try to disappear.
To say “shame on you” to another human being is spewing toxicity – and truth be told, it can be deadly (as shame is sometimes expressed through suicide). It’s like firing an emotional gun at another human, and there is no place for that in my world.
I say a lot of things. And sometimes the things I say I are pretty unenlightened and unintelligent. But of all the things that I ever say, I can promise that none of them will every be: “Shame on you.”
There’s enough shame in the world. Instead, I focus my efforts on creating love.
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