Fighting Hate… with Hate?

I always love going through my inbox. And on this enchanting Friday evening, I came across an email that I’ll paraphrase below:
 

Dear Syafiq,

I have a question. I’m only in the 7th grade, but there’s a kid in my class that says he hates gay people – and I don’t know what to do to make him stop. I hate him because my cousin is gay, and my cousin is the best guy in the entire world. I hate how judgmental other people are, so how can I make him stop?

I don’t know much, but I do know this: Hating someone because they hate someone – or something – doesn’t tend to help. Fighting hate with hate is like f*****g for virginity. Or trying to put out a fire with gasoline. It’s counterproductive.

As it turns out, we can’t change other people (though it doesn’t stop most of us from trying). The good news is, we can change ourselves. Changing ourselves is a very powerful thing, as we’re all deeply connected in this web of life. Instead of making his hate your own, make the choice to hold love in your heart – and lead a life that inspires others by example.

Express compassion towards this hateful young man, as he must be in a dark and terrifying place to hold such a toxic perspective of the world. Instead of fighting his hate with more hate, see the spirit underneath the negativity and love him for who he really is: Your brother on this journey of life.

The F-word: Are Closeted Gay Guys Our Biggest Haters?

The other day, one of my best friends was on a first date. After dinner, they said goodnight to each other, kissed, and started to part ways. In that moment, from across the lobby, a group of guys took notice. One of the men – speech slurred with alcohol – yelled out, “I knew you were f*****s.” Choice words were exchanged, and a non-violent but intense confrontation ensued.
My friend was shocked at being called a f****t – and I immediately thought back to my own surprise when a New York City worker used those words against Mitch and I last year.
Even further back, I remember a young man in my middle school. He was ruthless and unrelenting in his verbal, homophobic attacks against me, and I remember it all being a living hell. When I graduated middle school, he somehow got his hands on my yearbook. On the very first page, he wrote, “Sorry that I called you gay. You seem pretty cool.” It was something of an apology – but being in the closet, I immediately ripped his words out of the page.
It wasn’t until fairly recently that I heard he had come out of the closet. It’s like that football player in Glee that is constantly picking on Kurt, but that is secretly gay himself. Only now does it all make sense. My middle school tormentor hated me for being gay because he hated himself for being gay. I embodied the very thing about which he was so uncomfortable – and moreover, singling me out for being gay took any attention or questioning away from him. In some twisted way, it was how he was trying to cope.
We all have super busy lives, and are generally uninterested in the personal lives of strangers. Most people can’t be bothered. For someone to feel the need to yell “f****t” at another human being, it shows a level of personal investment. Why do they care so much? Often times, I think it says a lot about their own internal struggle and possible self-hatred.
When I hear people use that f-word against another person, I don’t let it make me angry. Instead, I feel compassion. It breaks my heart, and I feel for the loveless space in which they dwell.
What do you think? Are closeted gay guys the most homophobic? Can you related to my experience?